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2/8/05 07:06 pm

your skin and bones turn in to something beautiful

11/12/04 05:19 pm

"i am not a prety girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
wouldn't you prefer a maiden fair?
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?"

10/22/04 06:21 pm

SCREAM

you're my best friend, but do you mind if I...

SCREAM

can I just change my dream?
Can I take it back, could I erase this path? I just want to...

SCREAM

'cause you're the best that I have ever had
or could ever dream. So,

SCREAM

if I start to drift
Current Music: tori amos

10/3/04 08:32 pm - what would he say?

if he only knew what i dream about when i close my eyes
if he only knew the honesty in all my lies
if he only knew the distance i'd crawl on my knees for him
if he could only feel the way i feel him within
if he only felt the pain that others have brought me
then maybe he would understand not to talk about her to me

if he only knew the distance that i fall
he might never come back at all
if he only knew i love him, i think that he would see
but instead he thinks my feeling are only temporary
if he only knew that he was my best friend
if he only knew that i never want us to end

if he could only see the future through my eyes
if he could only see my numerous tries
at things i knew weren't meant to be
if he could just give in to me
if he could see i won't break his heart
if he could see my lonliness when we're apart

if he only knew....

8/23/04 12:29 pm - do you believe in "meant-to-be" ?

I know that I usually wear my heart on my sleve

I know that I was just recently in-love (still love, but not in-love)

I used to believe in finding the one you were mean-to-be with

Then i decided it was all bull-shit and maybe you'll find someone you like and can tolerate enough to marry and make a family with.

I thought that sometimes you just can't see the love when it's there.

WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG.... WRONG!

If love is there, you can see it. If you can't see the love, don't try to convince yourself it is there. if you have to convince yourself that it's there, then more likley than not, it's not there. That's what I learned.

So I admit that I'm falling again. And it's so crazy 'cause I'm falling way too fast, but when you click with someone so well, when you comliment the other person so well, and they compliment you.... it's so hard not to. It's almost like we're "meant-to-be"

*gasp*

the scary thing is... he feels the same way. But we are both scared to talk about it 'cause we've both been hurt pretty bad before...

falling...

f
a
l
l
i
n
g

so fast!
Current Music: cold play
Current Mood: loved

8/14/04 06:52 pm - if it makes you feel alive then so do i

well i'm all moved into my dorm!  everything is going well so far.  the bathrooms are and always will be a little sketchy, but uh.... ya know...   i'm a little scared about classes.  ok, that's a lie.  i'm really scared about classes.  but after all that money i paid on freakin books, i better do well!

if you could change one thing, or even a couple things in life;  take something back.  what would it be?

i personally.... wouldn't change or take anything back.  i've done alot of stupid shit, and made alot of really big mistakes, hurt people, been hurt by people, been stupid..... but i wouldn't take any of it back.  think i'm lying?  i'm dead serious!  here's my logic:  every little thing affects everything.  everything happens for a reason.  if i took anything back, my life would not be where it is right now.  and to be quite honest with you.. i LOVE my life right now.  everything about it.  if my life wasn't played out the way it was, i wouldn't know what i know, i wouldn't be who i am, and life would not be where it is.  i'd trade my life with no one.

one more thing....  i think i might like william.                      just a little bit.... ;-)

Current Music: The Necessary
Current Mood: anxious

8/10/04 11:36 am - but uh.... yeah

two more days until i move out! i had mixed emotions about it... but i'm definatly excited!

my best friend is moving really far away, and i honestly just don't know how to deal with that, so i just pussy out and act like it's just not happening.

madonna puts it best "what i'm dying to say is that i'm crazy for you. touch me once and you'll know it's true. i've never wanted anyone like this. it's all brand new. you'll feel it in my kiss. you'll feel it in my kiss b/c i'm crazy for you"





get into the groove boy you've got to prove your love to me!
Current Music: Madonna
Current Mood: optimistic

8/4/04 07:00 pm - "you'll never have a friend like me"

ok. maybe i don't hate boys.

infact, i like most unless they want to get into my pants.

but for some reason i think i like a boy who...
god damn, i don't even know

i must have done something good

8/3/04 08:35 am

i hate boys

7/31/04 01:07 pm

"I NEVER ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION.  I JUST GOT IT.  AND I GET IT." -TBS

I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO JUST LET GO.  I CAN'T LET ALL THE STUPID SHIT I KEEP DOING CONSUME ME.  I HAVE TO JUST WALK AWAY, AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

I'M SORRY FOR EVERYTHING.  I REALLY AM.

I JUST KEEP SCREWING THINGS UP AND IT AFFECTS THE SAME PEOPLE, AND I JUST CAN'T DO IT TO THEM ANYMORE.  AND I DON'T THINK MY SORRIES MEAN ANYTHING TO THEM ANYMORE EITHER.

I'M WITH SOMEONE NEW WHO CHALLENGES ME, YET MAKES ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT WHO I AM.  I LIKE BEING NEW TO SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY CAN'T HOLD YOUR PAST MISTAKES AGAINST YOU.

WE DONT KNOW EACHOTHER AND WE ADMIT THAT AND TRY TO GET TO KNOW EACHOTHER.  HE'S NOT LIKE MOST OF THE OTHER GUYS WHO WANT TO MAKE OUT, FUCK, AND THAT'S BASICALLY IT.  AND WHEN WE KISS, IT'S NOT THE HORMONES IN US KISSING.  IT'S US.  I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER TRULY HAD THAT BEFORE, AS MUCH AS I WANTED TO BELIEVE I DID.

I THINK HE'S SCARED TO TRUST ME.

HE THINKS HIS HEART IS COLD, AND SAYS THAT THAT PROTECTS HIM.  I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE, AND IF IT IS, IT WON'T BE FOR LONG.

EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Current Music: taking back sunday (new cd!)
Current Mood: giddy

7/17/04 11:51 pm - Joe Somebody and the Dream Guy

SO I WORK WITH THIS GUYS NAMED JOE.
HE'S 26 AND WORKS AT K-MART.
HE ACTS LIKE HE'S 19, SMILES LIKE... BIG SMILE
AND HE'S CRAZY ABOUT.... ME....
ME.....
?
I TOLD HIM I WAS 18
HE SAID HE THOUGHT I WAS ABOUT 22
I LAUGHED AND SAID, "OH"
I TRY TO BRUSH HIM OFF BUT HE WONT LEAVE ME ALONE
HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER AND HE WANTS MINE
WE BOTH GOT OFF WORK TONIGHT AT 11 AND IT WAS RAINING.
I GOT OUTSIDE AND HE WAS WAITING FOR ME WITH AN UMBRELLA.
ONE DATE.
HE WANTS JUST ONE DATE AND I CAN MAKE UP MY MIND THEN.
HE SAIDJUST 'CAUSE HE'S 26 DOESNT MEAN HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED.
HE SAYS HE DOESNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW EITHER.
I THINK IF I DIDN'T SCARE HIM OFF FIRST, HE WOULD CHANGE HIS MIND. WHAT DO I DO? I'M TRYING NOT TO BE MEAN. I'M TRYING TO SEND THE "NO" SIGNALS, AND HE GETS IT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. bUT HE JUST TALKS ABOUT MY HAIR, AND MY EYES, AND HOW "CUTE" I AM.
BLAH.
I DONT WANT THAT RIGHT NOW
I DONT WANT A GUY TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME..
I DONT WANT A GUY TO SMOTHER ME. NOT RIGHT NOW. I DON'T NEED THAT NOW, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT NOW, AND I CAN'T HANDLE THAT NOW.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, HE'S CUTE. I'D DO THE DEED WITH HIM.
DID I JUST SAY THAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!
OH, AND HE'S COUNTRY
VERY COUNTRY
WE ALL KNOW I LIKE THE COUNTRY BOYS, BUT HE'S NOT THE RUGGED COUNTRY TYPE. HE'S THE MAMA'S BOY, LET ME WRITE YOU A POEM AND PICK YOU FLOWERS, COUNTRY BOY.
MAYBE IF I WERE OLDER.
MAYBE IF I WERENT 18 AND ABOUT TO LIVE ON MY OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME. MAYBE IF I DIDNT WANT TO HATE BOYS, AND TEASE BOYS, AND BREAK BOYS HEARTS... BUT I DO.
THE PROBLEM IS... I'M NO GOOD AT BEING MEAN, AS MUCH AS I WANT TO.
I FEEL BAD 'CAUSE HE'S REALLY TRYING AND HE'S REALLY SWEET.
NOT RIGHT NOW
I CAN'T DO IT, IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME WORSE


OH, AND THIS OTHER GUY THAT WORKS AT CARMIKE CAME IN TO K-MART THE OTHER DAY...
I'VE KNOWN WHO HE WAS FOR A WHILE... AND I'VE ALWAYS HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON HIM. SO ANYWAY, HE CAME INTO K-MART THE OTHER DAY. I TALKED TO HIM A LITTLE, AND HE TOLD ME TO STOP BY CARMIKE IF I WANTED TO SEE A MOVIE AND HE'D HOOK ME UP. HIS HANDS WERE KINDA SHAKY LIKE HE NEEDED A CIGARETTE OR SOMETHING. HE'S A NICE GUY WHO YOU CAN SEE THE UNPERFECT LIFE IN, BUT YOU TOTALLY DIG IT. I WANTED TO TAKE HIM TO THE BACK IN A DARK ROOM AND EASE THE SHAKE IN HIS HAND. MMM... ANYWAY. WHEN HE LEFT, HE LOOKED BACK AS HE WALKED AWAY. I'D TOTALLY HOOK UP WITH HIM. I WOULD TOTALLY DATE HIM. HE'S TOTALLY MY DREAM GUY...

7/17/04 11:51 pm - Joe Somebody

SO I WORK WITH THIS GUYS NAMED JOE.
HE'S 26 AND WORKS AT K-MART.
HE ACTS LIKE HE'S 19, SMILES LIKE... BIG SMILE
AND HE'S CRAZY ABOUT.... ME....
ME.....
?
I TOLD HIM I WAS 18
HE SAID HE THOUGHT I WAS ABOUT 22
I LAUGHED AND SAID, "OH"
I TRY TO BRUSH HIM OFF BUT HE WONT LEAVE ME ALONE
HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER AND HE WANTS MINE
WE BOTH GOT OFF WORK TONIGHT AT 11 AND IT WAS RAINING.
I GOT OUTSIDE AND HE WAS WAITING FOR ME WITH AN UMBRELLA.
ONE DATE.
HE WANTS JUST ONE DATE AND I CAN MAKE UP MY MIND THEN.
HE SAIDJUST 'CAUSE HE'S 26 DOESNT MEAN HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED.
HE SAYS HE DOESNT WANT A RELATIONSHIP LIKE THAT RIGHT NOW EITHER.
I THINK IF I DIDN'T SCARE HIM OFF FIRST, HE WOULD CHANGE HIS MIND. WHAT DO I DO? I'M TRYING NOT TO BE MEAN. I'M TRYING TO SEND THE "NO" SIGNALS, AND HE GETS IT EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. bUT HE JUST TALKS ABOUT MY HAIR, AND MY EYES, AND HOW "CUTE" I AM.
BLAH.
I DONT WANT THAT RIGHT NOW
I DONT WANT A GUY TO TREAT ME LIKE SHIT, BUT AT THE SAME TIME..
I DONT WANT A GUY TO SMOTHER ME. NOT RIGHT NOW. I DON'T NEED THAT NOW, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT NOW, AND I CAN'T HANDLE THAT NOW.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, HE'S CUTE. I'D DO THE DEED WITH HIM.
DID I JUST SAY THAT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!
OH, AND HE'S COUNTRY
VERY COUNTRY
WE ALL KNOW I LIKE THE COUNTRY BOYS, BUT HE'S NOT THE RUGGED COUNTRY TYPE. HE'S THE MAMA'S BOY, LET ME WRITE YOU A POEM AND PICK YOU FLOWERS, COUNTRY BOY.
MAYBE IF I WERE OLDER.
MAYBE IF I WERENT 18 AND ABOUT TO LIVE ON MY OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME. MAYBE IF I DIDNT WANT TO HATE BOYS, AND TEASE BOYS, AND BREAK BOYS HEARTS... BUT I DO.
THE PROBLEM IS... I'M NO GOOD AT BEING MEAN, AS MUCH AS I WANT TO.
I FEEL BAD 'CAUSE HE'S REALLY TRYING AND HE'S REALLY SWEET.
NOT RIGHT NOW
I CAN'T DO IT, IT WILL ONLY MAKE ME WORSE


OH, AND THIS OTHER GUY THAT WORKS AT CARMIKE CAME IN TO K-MART THE OTHER DAY...
I'VE KNOWN WHO HE WAS FOR A WHILE... AND I'VE ALWAYS HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON HIM. SO ANYWAY, HE CAME INTO K-MART THE OTHER DAY. I TALKED TO HIM A LITTLE, AND HE TOLD ME TO STOP BY CARMIKE IF I WANTED TO SEE A MOVIE AND HE'D HOOK ME UP. HIS HANDS WERE KINDA SHAKY LIKE HE NEEDED A CIGARETTE OR SOMETHING. HE'S A NICE GUY WHO YOU CAN SEE THE UNPERFECT LIFE IN, BUT YOU TOTALLY DIG IT. I WANTED TO TAKE HIM TO THE BACK IN A DARK ROOM AND EASE THE SHAKE IN HIS HAND. MMM... ANYWAY. WHEN HE LEFT, HE LOOKED BACK AS HE WALKED AWAY. I'D TOTALLY HOOK UP WITH HIM. I WOULD TOTALLY DATE HIM. HE'S TOTALLY MY DREAM GUY...

7/17/04 05:14 pm

SO ITS OK NOW
YOU CAN STAY AWAY
ITS REALLY FINE
I WAS REALLY BLIND
TO THINK YOU REALLY CARED
BUT THIS MISERY
WONT BE HISTORY
WHAT YOU DID TO ME
HAS ME ON MY KNEES
I CRUMBLE
INTO THE MILLION THINGS
THAT KILL MY DREAMS
AND I'M DRIFTING FROM YOUR FACE
I CAN SEE YOUR EYES AS
THEY WATCH ME WALK AWAY
NOW THE TEAR DROPS
THAT STAIN MY FACE
SHOULD BRUISE YOUR HEART
IF YOU ACTUALLY CARED
HOW YOU FELT INSIDE
WHEN I HELD YOU CLOSE
SKIN ON SKIN
I CAN STILL FEEL THE SIN
THEY SAY WE LIVED IN
SIN OR NOT
I STILL FEEL THE LOVE THAT
I DIED IN
JUST TAKE ME
'CAUSE I CAN'T TAKE THIS PAIN
ANYMORE
AND I NEED YOUR TOUCH
I NEED TO KNOW YOU CARE
JUST FEEL ME
FEEL THE HEART THAT BEATS
AS THE MEMORY REPEATS
I WANDER
'CAUSE YOU LEFT ME HERE
YOU MADE IT VERY CLEAR
PULLED THE LOVE OUT OF MY SKIN
AND YOU DISAPPEARED
YOU MADE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR
DONT CALL ME
I FALL EVERYTIME
I DREAM YOU WILL BE MINE
AGAIN
BUT YOU WONT
AND I DONT WANT YOU TO
I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU
YOU THREW ME
YOU THREW ME OFF THAT CLIFF
AM I JUST A MYTH THAT YOU LIVE IN
I KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND
THAT YOU CANT HOLD MY HAND
I TREMBLE
I WANT TO TOUCH YOUR FACE
I WANT TO HOLD YOU CLOSE
WITHIN ME
LIKE THE BETTER DAYS
MY LIFE'S JUSTA MAZE
BUT IN THIS MOMENT...
COULD YOU HOLDME HERE?
JUST DONT DISAPPEAR
TONIGHT I NEED YOU
'CAUSE I CANT TAKE THIS PAIN
CANT BE ALL ALONE ANYMORE
BECAUSE I LOVED YOU
AND I LOVE YOU STILL
YOU ALWAYS KNEW
AND YOU ALWAYS WILL
I'LL TAKE THIS PILL TO
CURE ME
I SMILE ALL DAY LONG
BUT I'M REALLY NOT THAT STRONG
Current Music: you'd laugh if i told you

7/9/04 05:32 pm

7/8/04 10:10 am - Orange juice n biscuits

why is biscuiville soooo fucking good?!

no seriously... i ate there all the time during school, and i just ate there like 10 min ago 'cause i have a fucking hang over, and orange juice n biscuits are the shit when you have a hang over! hahaha

omg, i have to get up and go to the bank then be to the doctor's by 9:10.  ummm.... i definatly had to pull to the side for a min 'cause i thought i was going to vomit on myself. grose! but i didn't so its all good

ok i'm gonna go clean my house 'cause there's lots of cups, cans, and bottles everywhere.. you know what i mean?

yea, last night was cool.  it was fun to just hang out with my closest friends and share some good times.... oh... except everyone left my w/ drunk ass kyle!! lol... yea we'll talk about this later!

peace out and word to your moms

Current Music: Ace of (fucking) Base (Bitches!)
Current Mood: shit.. i've got a hang over!

7/6/04 08:44 pm

WOAH!!!  my journal went CRAZY...

Current Music: rhcp
Current Mood: confused

7/6/04 06:11 pm - things to look forward or not forward to

28 days 'till the warped tour concert

38 days 'till i move into my dorm

40 days 'till "he" moves into his dorm

as long as i'm not fucking pregnant, life will be good!

Current Music: The Smiths

7/6/04 06:11 pm - things to look forward or not forward to

28 days 'till the warped tour concert

38 days 'till i move into my dorm

40 days 'till "he" moves into his dorm

as long as i'm not fucking pregnant, life will be good!

Current Music: The Smiths

7/6/04 06:08 pm - things to look forward or not forward to

28 days 'till the warped tour concert

38 days 'till i move into my dorm

40 days 'till "he" moves into his dorm

as long as i'm not fucking pregnant, life will be good!

Current Music: The Smiths

7/5/04 07:46 pm - 5 minute phone call

so i just typed up everything i wanted to say in this journal.  then i deleted it all. twice.

i guess i just wanted to say that i have never been so ashamed of myself in my life. 

he called me yesterday.  out of nowhere.  he called me because he was shaken up.  he called me b/c his friend died behind the wheel, and another had a ceisure while he was driving.  he called me b/c it made him think alot about life, and he wanted to talk to someone who he knew cared about him alot, and who he cares alot about too.  so he called me.  and it was the happiest 5 minutes i've had in a long time.  we just talked like good friends talk, and before we hung up, there was something in his voice that told me that he was glad to talk to me too.

last night my actions made me ashamed of myself like never before. 

what i did was wrong.  not wrong to society, wrong to the chruch, or wrong to my parents.  it was wrong to ME.  but i took care of it, i got out, and i have never been so proud (for getting out) in my life.  and i owe my life to my friend (she knows who).  i honestly dont know what i would do if it weren't for her support.  why i cant say no when i need to, i dont know.  i could blame it on my parents and their little box they live in, but that would be too easy wouldn't it?  i am who i am because of the decisions I make

i'm sorry i'm not all they thought i would be.

Current Music: The Smiths
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